Killers Anonymous (15)

Director: Martin Owen

Starring: Gary Oldman, Jessica Alba, Tommy Flanagan, Elliot James Langridge, Rhyon Nicole Brown, Michael Socha, Tim McInnerny, Elizabeth Morris and MyAnna Buring

Run time: 1h 35m

⭐

Gary Oldman’s mysteriously named ‘The Man’ heads up a support group for assassins called Killers Anonymous. It’s a safe place where select teams of contract killers can cleanse their conscience, relieve themselves of any doubts they may have and unload their burden surrounded by their own kind, without judgement.

An assassination attempt on a US Senator in London places the city in lockdown and an emergency meeting of KA is called into action. Here we are introduced to the main players including a doctor with an unhealthy obsession with death (McInnerny), a former soldier who can’t stop sniping (Langridge) and a Scotsman with a short fuse (Flanagan). With the arrival of an anxious newcomer, Alice (Brown), the gang quickly turn on each other as it’s revealed that all is not as it seems. Tensions rise as they attempt to uncover who ordered the hit and who brought them together on this specific night.

Channelling early Quentin Tarantino and Guy Ritchie films, director and writer Martin Owen lacks several of the key ingredients that make a decent film. A weak script punctuated by a cacophony of swear words does little to hold interest and paper-thin characters with not one of them worth empathising with leave this less whodunnit and more “who cares?”

Pantomime performances and monologues featuring theatrical lighting changes make this more at home on the stage than on film. Some of the actors may well have dramatic moments to add to their showreels, but there isn’t one standout turn from any of them. Gary Oldman obviously owed somebody a favour because there isn’t a single artistic reason for him appearing in this mess. 

Quirky for the sake of being quirky, the camera occasionally replaces an actor as they talk directly to it. Why? Who knows. Perhaps to add edge or to make the viewer feel part of the action. Whatever the reason it doesn’t add anything to the pedestrian storyline and simply makes it feel dated. Flashbacks every now and then break up the monotony of the group discussing their first kills or even the benefits of soy milk, but by the time the laughably ludicrous finale happens you’ll be wishing that they’d all stayed anonymous.

Killer’s Anonymous shoots into select UK cinemas on August 28^thand Digital Download, DVD & Blu-ray from August 26^th.